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God showed me a vision of a “tool belt” all the way back in June of 2007. I thought to myself, “Okay, that’s why i’m in seminary. I must have the tools to teach. I can’t teach until i am first taught. got it.” well now that it’s been almost a year later, I see that my interpretation of that picture was totally off! It wasn’t for the sake of teaching others… it was for ME.
how amazing when God helps you see things… really see things.
tanks Jesus. it’s time to celebrate!
boy did I CRY. i cried and cried and cried… it was deep weeping. i just had to tell God everything and anything and just explain to him my heart. it was some serious weeping. and in the end, i felt so much better. sometimes you just need to let it out!!
i told god i was angry with this world. i was angry at the darkness and the hurt. i was angry at the lack of compassion i see from people. i’m angry that people are hungry. i’m angry that people don’t have enough and then others have too much. i’m just angry!! and i have a right to be angry. i’ve shoved down my anger for too long and i don’t want to be silent anymore!! i’m angry at my own life, angry for my dad and mom and sister and friends and people in other countries. i’m angry at the system called earth. i’m angry, oh so damn angry!!!!!!!!!!
i told god i wanted to go home, to him… i wept. i just wanted OUT of this stupid world. but then my heart stops and i know i won’t leave and i know i don’t want to go because i’ve been commissioned.. i’m supposed to be here, i’m supposd to stay, i’m supposed to speak, i’m supposed to be a mom and a wife and i’m supposed to make a difference in this world. i’m supposed be blessed and have an abundance and i’m supposed to thrive and laugh and enjoy myself.
i asked God why doesn’t he just heal me quickly. god told me i’m like an iceberg… i only see the little bit on top but underneath all that is a HUGE chunk of ice. i told god to melt the damn ice!!! hurry up and heal me! god said, “what will we replace it with? if you heal too quickly, you will be left with no identity. you have to chip away at the old but replace it with the new.” god is sooo wise. hahahaha. of course he is!! 
God is funny. he’s so patient with me and my anger. sometimes i don’t understand the world. i don’t understand the world systems and why there’s evil and those stupid demons that are supposed to be UNDER OUR FEET not above our feet and not harassing us!!! we are and were supposed to take dominion over our earth, to subdue it… god told me last night that the way to defeat the enemy is not to necessarily fight (sometimes) but to dance in victory because we’ve already won the war!!!! the enemy attempts to lie to us, saying that we need to fight him because we haven’t won…. then we just keep putting our efforts into a war that we’ve already won. it’s waste!! so God explained that we are to leave, walk away and start dancing in celebration! we are victorious in christ… HIS victory is OUR victory. I LOVE IT!!! I love the GOSPEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so dance I shall!
i had a rough night last night. i seem to get the worst stuff out at night… i feel like it’s the only time i can get really real with god and just let my heart pour out to him. other times, during the day, with people — yeah right! let’s see those tear flow, i don’t think so!!!! but it’s hard to weep at night (haha) because then people can hear me. hahahahaa!! so i have to stifle my tears.. but they’re still loud. oh well.
i choose to push past all these feelings and enjoy my day. i get to go to nations banquet (or something like that) tonight where we taste all these cultural foods! can’t wait! yay!
ok, i’m probably a lot more happy when i type than i am in real life. i’m pretty mellow right now. i’m usually like that after a big cry the night before. also i’ve been so stressed with the stuff that comes out of my heart that i got a cold sore!!!!!!!!!! damn thing! but i just bought abreva so i’m gonna try that sucka out!
k, i’m off to start my day (at 3pm??? YES!!!!! at 3 pm!!!!!!!!!! i fell asleep at 5am!!!)… my sleep schedule is off because i do so much healing and talking to God at night. i don’t have to be like “everyone else.” i’m hungry. bye!
