argh.

MAN I feel horrible. I feel like there’s a toxic waste dump within my heart. That is NOT good!!!

BUt actually, in a way, it IS good. It’s good that there’s a waste dump and God will not stand for the dump to be in my life. It’s good that God is stopping all sense of moving forward so that he can rid me of the crap that is called my past.

It’s 4am and I just ate. I sabotage my body weight. I’ve been overweight for a really long time. It’s because I don’t want to let my protective covering go… I’ve lost 8 pounds in the past 2 months… but that scares me. I DO need to lose weight but… *shrug*  there’s just too much going on.

I wish life were calm and happy and easy but instead life is difficult and hard and painful and life altering. God showed me a picture of me up to my ankles in toxic waste. God said if he didn’t completely STOP my life and take me out of the toxic swamp, I would repeat the past and forever be in pain and hate life. God said that I may not understand but he was determined to make my life better. He said that he was ANGRY for me and wouldn’t allow me to live this way any longer. Well at least someone is fighting for me and I don’t have to do this alone.

God also told me that my future man wouldn’t come until God cleaned up my mess. God said he didn’t want to bring hubby bubby into this mess because then he would get toxic waste on him and it would hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him.

Can I just be plain and honest and real… life fucken sucks. it hurts, i’m in pain and yet I feel like other people around me are “normal” or as normal as it gets. But I know they’re aren’t. My pain is just different. Hell yeah it’s different. I’m healing from something life altering… and no one knows… and no one can understand. and no one can say, “Hey leila, show me your heart because I will totally and completely understand.” NOPE. That’s why God brought S into my life but even with her, I have a hard time opening up. I get clingy and possessive when I don’t get all her attention. I just feel insecure that she will hurt me… and so I use whatever situation that has nothing to do with her hurting me, and I try to make up a situation to say that she shouldn’t be in my life. I try to push her away. I try to push EVERYONE away. I just want to be left alone sometimes. I don’t know how to get through this on my own. Good thing God didn’t ask me to survive this on my own. Have you ever felt misunderstood? Have you ever felt completley broken down (and yet strong at the same time). I feel like my brain got smashed and then is being rebuilt all over again. I feel like my emotions got left in an electric clothes dryer a little too long and is frayed at the edged. I feel like I’ve been bounced back and forth and up and down and all around. i don’t feel normal, i don’t feel secure, i don’t feel sound or safe or ready to face anything. I hate school and God tells me it’s because I’m too smart for the school system. Even when I tell people that, and it’s the truth and I’m not trying to be arrogant, I’m just honest– I can’t even be honest about school because who wants to hear, especially my peers, that school and the sae exact program and classes are too damn easy for leila while they are  busting their ass to pass. The classes here are so damn easy that I roll my eyes cuz I can’t stand learning what they teach. Yes I’m getting a LOT out of school because I listen, am challenged, and then I come to my own conclusion but geez louisez… it’s too damn easy. But I can’t tell anyone that. NO ONE!! and when i do tell them that, how the fuck are they supposed to respond. They can’t say, “Oh I agree” … and i sound like a freaken prick. I sound like i’m too good… no, that’s not why I say it. I say i’m too smart and school is too easy because I’m frustrated and, quite frankly, damn SURPRISED that I’m “too smart.” I still tell God that i don’t believe him, that I’m not too smart. but actually I am and it makes school that much harder to be a part of. But then I’m suppoed to be in school, for two more years exactly, to deal with this shit. I didn’t realize it was this bad.

I heard God tell me, “Come talk to me” when I was forcing myself to eat. Imagine that… someone forcing themself to eat food that they don’t want. I think to myself while forcing the food down, “I don’t want to be fat.” And then I shut down all emotion and I eat. Maybe that’s why i eat. To shut down.

God I’m really really really sad. So I think I’m gonna stop talking to the internet world and instead I’m gonna talk to you.

Oh and people keep telling me that it’s a “gift” that I can hear God so well. I’m happy that I can hear God so well. I thought everyone was like that. I wish everyone was… And i asked God about it. God said that if we seek Him we will find him. I guess I’ve been seeking very much. It’s because I’m desperate. Oh look at leila, she’s holy….. uh, NO. I’m desperate and I NEED GOD because I will die without Him. I WILL… i know I will. and i don’t want to exist unless it’s in His presense. I know what darkness is like and I want nothing to do with it. I’m OVER darkness. I want the light.. So I SEEK the light and I FIND the light and there Christ is and there he speaks.

I cry.

indigestion.

I don’t cook very much. What for?!?! I’m only one person and it’s just annoying to cook. I did cook a little when I first moved into my apartment. i was “excited” to be on my own and wanted to cook up a storm. Now I’m not really excited to eat anyway.. and yet I’m still 30 lbs over weight. Go figure.

So What do i eat all day? nuts, fruit, cheese, bread and… ice cream. So my stomach is used to some raw foods. very healthy i must say. But whenever i eat ANYTHING that is cooked or different from what I’m used to eating, my stomach canNOT handle it. I always have stomach issues afterwards. Not really it hurting tremendously but just… stomach gas. Sorry if that sounds gross… it’s not gross. Just burping all night long. That’s what happens when you go from all na-tu-ral foods to COOKED stuff… and for some reason, these days i can’t STAND eating meat… EWWWWWWWWWWW! I have nausea and a lack of appetite.. and yet again, i’m still 30 lbs over weight. There’s a reason for that! thank-you-very-much.

I went to bed tonight at 11pm… woke up at 2:30 to use the restroom and just… woke up. Couldn’t go back to sleep so now it’s 5:15am and the sun will be a-rising soon. Just been doing computer stuff, internet stuff. I can’t sleep. There’s too much on my heart. And I can’t pray. there’s too much stuff on my heart that it’s too heavy to pray about it. It’s just *ugh*. Sometimes you can’t pray. sometimes you just have to BE with God, in all your ugliness, all your pain, all your discomfort, in all your throwup.. just BE with Him.

I really don’t like this phase in my life that I’m in. BOO on throw up!!! (throw up is the name of the phase I’m in). I’m throwing up all the JUNK from the past. I can no longer stomach the past. Okay.. throw it up.

I really want to go for a walk. I’m tired yes, but I need to get out and walk.. I think I’ll wait for the sun to come up a little more and then walking I shall go.. unless i’m way too tired to walk cuz i’m getting super sleepy.

God… my heart is burdened. My heart feels so heavy.

Anyway, i have to read hella books before finals. these books are LAME but I have to read them to get a grade. shit. I hate that. but gotta do it… shit again.

k… i keep burping.. and now i’m tired.. and now i don’t think i’m going for that walk anymore. too tired. I’m gonna “read” (more like skim and turn pages rapidly) this stupid book for class.. Can’t they grade us on what we understand instead of grading us on our ability to write papers.. STUPID SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!! I HATE SCHOOL FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!