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As a little girl, I used to always have bangs. I even did the whole “wave” action in the 80’s early 90’s. Well I decided to grow up and with that came growing out my little girl bangs. Well yesterday I was looking at someone’s pictures of them with bangs! They looked soooo good! Well about 4 or 5 months ago, I had shorter hair and bangs and I looked (in my opinion) like someone had put a bowl over my head and cut my hair. ew. So I grew out the bangs and the hair (well.. my hair is still super short but I have a little more length than before) and now it doesn’t look like someone put a bowl over my head and cut around it. But still… no bangs.
So as I was looking at this girls hair with her cute little bangs, I decided to give it a try. So I took out my trusty scissors and snip snip away at my hair and the results? BELOW!! I LOVE THEM!! 
YAHOO!! My bangs that I’ve had since age 5 are now BACK!!!! Leila and bangs go together like peanut butter and jelly!
Oh yeah, and of course I had to sport the new down vest jacket with a fur lined hoody that I bought for… $18!!!! Heck YEAH for deals!! CUTE deals!! CHEAP deals!! WARM deals! and BANGS!!!!
hahahaha
I am free to be me. I am free to think about what I want in life. There are so many possibilities now! That is really exciting. I just hope I make the right decisions. I want things in life to be more successful and stable and moving forward. i want to move out of California. I don’t want to live here anymore. I want to see more trees and for the weather to be more cold perhaps. I want to really be successful in my photography business. I want life to be more consistent and for life to really propel forward. I learned a really good lesson that I don’t have to shut up and just let people tell me how life is going to unfold. I was so desperate for God to make my life good and better that I was willing to let go of all my own desires to take on God’s desires for my life. And God knew that and didn’t want me to continue living my life ONLY for him. He kinda helped me see that GOd’s will for my life was MY will and HIS will combined. That is a paradigm shift for me. That makes me realize that i can have so many things going for my life. I can really stand up and make a change. This is so awesome!
I am excited with my newfound “power.” I am excited that i get to exercise my voice and make a difference in what I want to do. I still feel scared and nervous but I WILL DO IT ANYWAY. I still have so much to learn but God is going to help me walk with it. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!
I have a voice!!!!
Leila
Sooooooo i was excited about today because it was my last day in class for the school year. 
I saw that the Haynes’s door was open so I went over to say hello and saw that they were having dinner with my new neighbors (their new neighbors as well.. we share neighbors). I went over and asked them if it were rude that I was coming over. They said no. so i hung out with them. it was nice. I like my new neighbors! yay!
I have half a paper and some skimming to do and I’m done with my quarter! YA-FREAKEN-HOO!!!
So i still hate school. with a passion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!! But I have a take home midterm and I’ve done 3 out of the four questions… i’m on my way.
Before I did my take home midterm, I did preggy pictures of my preggy friend!! She has a basketball belly!! She’s due in one month. So off we went for a photoshoot. it was sooo much fun! I get a little “laughy” and kookie when i do art because i get so darn happy. Now why can’t school be cooky and funny and laughy like art?!??!!? I’m also taking a class called Theology, Worship and the arts. We did an art project and whenever we did art, i could NOT stop laughing. I told you, when i do things i love, i get kookie and laughy!! And why can’t I do this full time?!?! I WILL when i’m done with this HORRENDOUS SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So if you want to see my preggy friend, <—- click there and go to my blog and see her basketball belly!
Yahoo-za, i wanna do photography all day, all night, and all the time in between.
Well, on a more positive note, at least I’ll be a very edumacated photographer
i fricken haaate school!!!!!!!!!! I hate it!!!! I can’t stand it!! I want to drrop out NOOOOOW!!!! But… i only have one more year. or maybe even 1.5 so I think i will endure. but just so you know, I HATE SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tanks Jesus. it’s time to celebrate!
went to bed and bumped his head and couldn’t get up in the morning. 
Har Har Har. Today was WEIRD! It was cloudy and overcast then it turned into HAIL then back to sunny then rainy then HAIL and then drizzle with a bit of sunshine over the horizon, and now i’m in class and it’s WARM. oh me, oh my. Now I’m in class, frustrated with the work I have to do. i wish school systems were just different. Oh well. I’m excited for SUNDAY because I get to go to church! haha. who would’ve thought I would say that I was excited to go to CHURCH. not me!! I was so against church, so against going and just irritated and bothered by it. Not that I’m not blessed, it just wasn’t my time to go and people couldn’t understand that. people couldn’t understand that i needed a break. or maybe they did get it and i was the one uncomfortable… no they were.. or they were and i knew it and it just made me uncomfortable. i dunno.
Anyway, I can’t WAIT to do more and more pictures!! pictures, pictures, pictures!! I want pictures. I want to take pictures and I want to snap snap snap!! So anyway, i’m supposed to do Ingrid this saturday for a photoshoot (maybe) and if not her then maybe Joy and Christian.. but for sure Maria on Monday. I hope things don’t fall out. i hope things follow through.
Deut 30:19 “This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.”
I CHOOSE LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember that book I told you I was reading? Happiness is a Choice, By FrankMD Minirth (Author), PaulMD Meier (Author), well i stayed up to read bits and pieces of that book and could not put it down! I did not know I could choose a life that is amazing!! I did not know i was hiding behind depression because I was scared to live my own life! i did not know that i can over come this quickly!!! I DID NOT KNOW!!!
God helped me see that I have insomnia. It’s a symptom of depression and p**d. DAMN! So last night, around 10pm, i laid down to talk to God and was falling asleep. Then got up, blew out candles, did stuff around the apartment, lock doors, brush teeth, went back to bed and couldn’t sleep till 5 or 6 or 7am. Then i tossed and turned all “morning” long cuz it was too hot, forced myself to wake up because my friend is coming to see me around 1ish (it’s 1ish! where is she?!?! I need to get out of my house!).
God and I also agreed that it was time for me to go to church. I haven’t gone for a year because — it wasn’t necessary! I don’t have to go to a building to get what i need. And what i needed wasn’t at a church. i don’t understand why that concept is sooooo damn difficult for people to understand. No, not just “people” but CHURCH-GOING-FOLK are the ones that get the most bothered that i’m not going to church. damn legalists!
I didn’t need to go to church but my support system here in my apartment complex have all moved out so I can’t just walk over to my friends apt. and talk to her. She was a pillar in my life. She moved. DARN!!!! So i was thinking vineyard. I really really like vineyard. They have a really good mixture of solid doctrine, orderly worship and yet they let the spirit flow. I really like that. I don’t like over-charismatic churches where all it is are people going crazy… uh… no thanks. I want to listen to a good sermon or join a small group. I just need to be with a fellowship of believers and worship with them. I need to sing praises to God in the midst of my insomnia. aigo… that’s so annoying.
God told me he was my shepherd but I was still so paranoid, I couldn’t sleep. A lot of damage was done (hh) so a lot of repair needs to be done as well. damn! God told me He already picked out a doctor for me (hh). alright God… I will follow you.
God helped me see I have a loss of appetite. I thought my appetite was GREAT!!! I just thought I didn’t know how to eat and didn’t know when to eat so I was never hungry. but God helped me see that all that was because of depression. DAMN.
also a loss of interest to do anything… damn, i used to like doing Soooooo many things. I used to love the beach– dun’t wanna go. I used to love art and painting– too much of a hassle to paint. I used to love being with PEOPLE!!! — too much hassle and I get overly nervous.
I feel like i’m on an upward climb. People say it’s all about the journey— i say *middle finger*. This journey SUCKS!!! I keep wanting to not be alive. not suicidal because i’m not going to kill myself. I just don’t want to get up in the morning and “LIVE LIFE.” boo! I STRUGGLE to get up in the morning. I FORCE MYSELF to get dressed and get out of my house to start my day. it’s a battle the whole time. And God says to “press on” and “run the race”…. I feel sooooo irritated and frustrated because this is difficult!! this is sooooooooooooo difficult! and God has given me so many different tools to use to help me through this difficult time. Do this Leila or this or read this book or say these things — and it all helps a little bit more. But I feel like i’m in the same fucken place — the SHIT HOLE. I put up a good facade because no one thinks i’m depressed or bothered or whatever. They think i’m la-dee-dah a-okay, no cares in the world, laughing all the time. SHIT FUCK ASS.
I read somewhere that when we pray we should keep it simple. Say exactly what is on our minds. Well here it is God:
please heal my P88D so I can sleep at night. please heal whatever is at the bottom of the ice berg so this depression can lift. please get me out of this shit i’m living in!!!!!!!!!!!! maybe it really is a choice… maybe it really is about saying, “i feel like shit and i’m gonna have a good fuckin day!” i dunno… all i know is that i’m going through a really difficult time and I need help. Help me God. Help me. i don’t know what i need and I don’t know what to do. I just need help.
I don’t want to call her. I feel irritated. Yes she’s not my mom and it’s probably with my mother that i have issues but… i still don’t want to call her. I need help and insight… i’m gonna be in pasadena for 3 years so I need the support group!!!!!!!
I beseech you, today, CHOOSE LIFE.
i choose to choose LIFE.
soooooo… I couldn’t sleep last night until, oh, around 5 or 6 or 7 am. Just could not sleep! So then I finally fell asleep and slept through the morning until my alarm went off at 10am. but then i thought, “i JUST fell asleep. i need to sleep more.” So I forced myself so sleep till 1pm. Got up hella tired… it was hot!! Got ready and did errands.
By the time I got to class tonight, I was sooooooooooo tired. just TIRED!! And naseated. I could NOT think of one yummy thing to eat. Everything sounded nasty. 
Well i got home and the only thing that sounded good was toast and eggs. So i ate that. Then i baked some cookies. Then I ate apple sauce (I bet this is soooo interesting to read!!) and was gonna eat cherries but got full cuz I drank a lot of water. I also ate 3 cookies. heehee.. I wanted to eat more cookies but felt a caution from God that I was eating too many.
So then I watched tv (LOST– that show is confusing and too intense for me and i didn’t like it) and then friends and now here I sit, too full to move, cherries uneaten and my phone totally wacked!!! It suddenly broke on me! The screen just stopped lighting up. So then I went online and did another 2 year contract with my company and got a free phone (yay)… But then I had to buy a new case and then what if i need a new car charger! it’s just annoying that i’m buying all these new things for a new phone when I didn’t even check to see what was wrong with my old phone. what if the old phone could’ve been fixed? But it would take tooooo long!!!! so i just got the other phone instead. it’s a pretty phone and it was freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee….
i’m sooooo tired. i hope i fall asleep when i go to bed. I always have a very very very difficult time sleeping. boo
