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i awoke— and was VERY BOTHERED!!!!!!! Just irritated. I think if I went swimming it would help my irritation. ALso, I know it’s a CHOICE thing but geez…. sometimes I don’t want to choose! BUt these are just emtions. argh. Whatever.
God asks me why i’m so mean to myself. I tell God, I’m used to it. I’ve always been this way. It’s time to change.
I need Jesus time. 
aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just needed to get that off my chest.
What a weekend! What a time to be so mean to myself! I think i need to spend some time with Jesus. No i need to exercise. no i need to be nicer to myself!!! argh!
So let’s get my thoughts in order here. Friday I enjoyed my day. what did i do? I have no clue! I don’t remember! oh yeah, i took 1,000+ pictures of the kids outside! OMWORD do i take a lot of pictures. I just need to throw most of them away after I’ve taken all of them. What else did I do? Then I went on a bike ride and that was a good work out. It kicked my ass! I rode bikes with this neighbor I have who i’m irritated with because she’s flaky! I don’t like flaky! I don’t mind if we have to do different things or if something comes up, but she wasn’t calling me for our regular scheduled work outs and she was off and on and she would say, “i’m not gonna go just cuz i don’t feel good.” that was bull shit and i was tired of it… it was ruining and putting off balance my own wok out schedule and i can’t afford that! I really really really need to be able to work out almost everyday to help me with my endorphines. So i told her I wasn’t going to work out with her anymore. She kinda irritates me in general but she’s a sweet girl.. but irritating. HEY, that’s life!!! That’s how the cookie crumbles.
There’s this guy at my school who i have a crush on just because she’s super sweet. He’s soooo nice! I just like him a lot. it makes me feel like that’s the type of guy i want to be with — sweet 
Also there’s this other guy from my old college that i used to have a crush on. I see him every once in awhile and i saw him on saturday for my friend’s wedding. waddah yah know, thos same ol’ crush feelings came up again! hahaha. they always come up when i see him!!!! hahaha.. but he’s of a denomination that i don’t like so.. NOPE!! oh, that and he has a girl friend. oh well! 
wedding photography looks difficult. AND i don’t like being the center of attention… AND i get uncomfortable. AND i think i already like portraiture and kids and families and outdoor photography anyway.
ok, i need to go do some other stuff. bye!
So i still hate school. with a passion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!! But I have a take home midterm and I’ve done 3 out of the four questions… i’m on my way.
Before I did my take home midterm, I did preggy pictures of my preggy friend!! She has a basketball belly!! She’s due in one month. So off we went for a photoshoot. it was sooo much fun! I get a little “laughy” and kookie when i do art because i get so darn happy. Now why can’t school be cooky and funny and laughy like art?!??!!? I’m also taking a class called Theology, Worship and the arts. We did an art project and whenever we did art, i could NOT stop laughing. I told you, when i do things i love, i get kookie and laughy!! And why can’t I do this full time?!?! I WILL when i’m done with this HORRENDOUS SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So if you want to see my preggy friend, <—- click there and go to my blog and see her basketball belly!
Yahoo-za, i wanna do photography all day, all night, and all the time in between.
Well, on a more positive note, at least I’ll be a very edumacated photographer
Last week it was HOT as what and today it’s raining. Funny weather.
So my friend doesn’t really know me and she keeps assuming things about me, things I don’t know so she attempts to tell me those things that I don’t know and what happens? She’s telling me things I already know and i get piiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed!!!!!! But I prayed about it and God helped me see that she doesn’t know me so she keeps assuming I don’t know and then wants to help me out. I just feel a bit negated.
i need to do photography and more photography.. and then after i do photography, i need to do a little more photography. just for the sake of photography.
holy cow it’s POURING!!!!!!!!!! whoa. that’s sooo weird. very very weird. hahaha. i can hear kids screaming as they are being pelted with hail. it’s HAILING!!!! whoa
God helped me see that I have insomnia. It’s a symptom of depression and p**d. DAMN! So last night, around 10pm, i laid down to talk to God and was falling asleep. Then got up, blew out candles, did stuff around the apartment, lock doors, brush teeth, went back to bed and couldn’t sleep till 5 or 6 or 7am. Then i tossed and turned all “morning” long cuz it was too hot, forced myself to wake up because my friend is coming to see me around 1ish (it’s 1ish! where is she?!?! I need to get out of my house!).
God and I also agreed that it was time for me to go to church. I haven’t gone for a year because — it wasn’t necessary! I don’t have to go to a building to get what i need. And what i needed wasn’t at a church. i don’t understand why that concept is sooooo damn difficult for people to understand. No, not just “people” but CHURCH-GOING-FOLK are the ones that get the most bothered that i’m not going to church. damn legalists!
I didn’t need to go to church but my support system here in my apartment complex have all moved out so I can’t just walk over to my friends apt. and talk to her. She was a pillar in my life. She moved. DARN!!!! So i was thinking vineyard. I really really like vineyard. They have a really good mixture of solid doctrine, orderly worship and yet they let the spirit flow. I really like that. I don’t like over-charismatic churches where all it is are people going crazy… uh… no thanks. I want to listen to a good sermon or join a small group. I just need to be with a fellowship of believers and worship with them. I need to sing praises to God in the midst of my insomnia. aigo… that’s so annoying.
God told me he was my shepherd but I was still so paranoid, I couldn’t sleep. A lot of damage was done (hh) so a lot of repair needs to be done as well. damn! God told me He already picked out a doctor for me (hh). alright God… I will follow you.
God helped me see I have a loss of appetite. I thought my appetite was GREAT!!! I just thought I didn’t know how to eat and didn’t know when to eat so I was never hungry. but God helped me see that all that was because of depression. DAMN.
also a loss of interest to do anything… damn, i used to like doing Soooooo many things. I used to love the beach– dun’t wanna go. I used to love art and painting– too much of a hassle to paint. I used to love being with PEOPLE!!! — too much hassle and I get overly nervous.
I feel like i’m on an upward climb. People say it’s all about the journey— i say *middle finger*. This journey SUCKS!!! I keep wanting to not be alive. not suicidal because i’m not going to kill myself. I just don’t want to get up in the morning and “LIVE LIFE.” boo! I STRUGGLE to get up in the morning. I FORCE MYSELF to get dressed and get out of my house to start my day. it’s a battle the whole time. And God says to “press on” and “run the race”…. I feel sooooo irritated and frustrated because this is difficult!! this is sooooooooooooo difficult! and God has given me so many different tools to use to help me through this difficult time. Do this Leila or this or read this book or say these things — and it all helps a little bit more. But I feel like i’m in the same fucken place — the SHIT HOLE. I put up a good facade because no one thinks i’m depressed or bothered or whatever. They think i’m la-dee-dah a-okay, no cares in the world, laughing all the time. SHIT FUCK ASS.
I read somewhere that when we pray we should keep it simple. Say exactly what is on our minds. Well here it is God:
please heal my P88D so I can sleep at night. please heal whatever is at the bottom of the ice berg so this depression can lift. please get me out of this shit i’m living in!!!!!!!!!!!! maybe it really is a choice… maybe it really is about saying, “i feel like shit and i’m gonna have a good fuckin day!” i dunno… all i know is that i’m going through a really difficult time and I need help. Help me God. Help me. i don’t know what i need and I don’t know what to do. I just need help.
I don’t want to call her. I feel irritated. Yes she’s not my mom and it’s probably with my mother that i have issues but… i still don’t want to call her. I need help and insight… i’m gonna be in pasadena for 3 years so I need the support group!!!!!!!
I beseech you, today, CHOOSE LIFE.
i choose to choose LIFE.
