something to figure out.

i just came back from yet ANOTHER wedding. Everyone and their momma is getting married. My other friends are getting married in October. Love it!

So i saw some of my closest friends there… I’ve missed them because I haven’t seen them in ages! literally! But what is it about tonight that had my chest tight and my inability to breathe. I was so stressed (still am) about something. I just needed to let it out…

So I think it has something to do with me thinking that I’m not accepted (even tho every action they have towards me oozes acceptance!). maybe it’s a trigger because in high school i didn’t feel accepted. I DON”T KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!! I’m gonna go pray about it. because dang it’s bothering me!!!!

fat.

I AM FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! and tomorrow I’m going to the beach with some friends and I want to boogie board! I feel sooooo uncomfortable. I asked God, “what should I do? What do you think God?” God said, “be patient with yourself. You are changing but be kind while you are changing.” God please help me to be kind. Please help me… because… i feel so uncomfortable that I dunno how to enjoy myself. I feel so self conscious!    God please help.

sewing machines and boogie boards.

I BOUGHT A SEWING MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!! and a boogie board. hahaha

So why the lowercaps for boogie board? Because I’m totally self conscious of my OVER WEIGHT BODY! and I TOLD God that I need to lose weight and I can do it MY way which will be harmful and unhealthy. Then God said that my food issues has to do with my past issues so when the past settles down within me, so will my food and body issues. THAT IS GOING TO TAKE 3,000 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My first project will be to take clothes that I will give away or that people don’t want and take them apart to put them back together again! and then to make new designs with them! I am SOOO excited to mess things up and see how to make things amazing! YAHOO-ZA!

the end.

the unbeautiful.

I wonder how Jesus felt. they say he wasn’t very attractive. he was just an ordinary joe. I wonder if he felt ugly. I asked Jesus right now how he felt when he walked on this earth. Did people not think he was wearing the right turban? Did people not think he was pretty because his shoes were dirty? did people not like the way his hair sat on his head? was he not the typical jew (or whatever race he was born into). Did he not live up to the beauty standard of his time. I don’t think he did. I think he was a plain person.

So I just asked Jesus, did you feel ugly when you walked this earth? Jesus answered that he knew his beauty and knew who he was in God. He knew his real self.

Well… i’ve never felt beautiful. People have told me i looked exotic or different… or on a good day when i’ve spent a special amount of time in the bathroom looking decent, i’ll come out and people will say, “wow you look pretty.” but …. i think it’s because i DID something to be “beautiful.” it wasn’t natural. it wasn’t inherently pretty.

Jesus, help me see my beauty please. not the beauty of this world. not “leila, you are pretty.” I want to know your beauty. i want to be beautiful because you show it to me.

why can i see other people’s beauty and not my own. i get irritated and angry when people get ashamed of how they look. they are BEAUTIFUL and they keep saying, “oh i look weird.” i hate that! They have a misconception of themselves. they have a warped image of self.

But OH jesh, that sounds sooooo familiar doesn’t it. I say that all the time. I HATE having my picture taken. HATE IT WITH A FREAKEN PASSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only way I would want my picture taken is by a professional photographer, one who knows how to make people look good. if i could clone myself, i would be the photographer as well as the subject and i would make myself look dazzlings! simply dazzling! then i would post my picture up everywhere for the world to see my pseudo self.

on another note, i took pictures again today. I HAVE IMPROVED!!! my pictures of kids are soooo much better! I get them right in the action and my pictures are so much more fun to look at. I think i need to get adults more in the action as well. they are boring when they just stand there. I don’t like that!! But… i’m still uncertain what to do with my adult models. I’m not sure if their hands should go up or down or around or lift their leg or wrap their legs around the bench or stand or sit or hands up or face down or zoom in or out or…. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! that’s why i just take pictures of my friends so that when we start i can say — i have no freaken clue what to do with you!

Shelah photography is taking off!!! my blog is being look at constantly!!! in one week it had 89 hits! yah-freaken-hoo-za!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me and Jesus and my camera and my pictures are the BOMB-BAH!!!!!!!!! I put prices up. pooey… my prices suck. they are sooooo low. i’m gonna be doing this for practically NOTHING!!! i wanted to charge super duper bucks.. but i can’t. I have to start low and raise them slowly. poop on that. i want to be paid what i think is worth my talent. i think i can do it… i think i’m as good as some professionals with MORE experience than me… and then again, i’m not as good as other professionals… but i think i should be paid more.. oh well.. gotta do what you gotta do initially.

I had to down load 1,733 pictures right now.. HOLY MOLEY! I take a lot of pictures. but that’s normal for a photographer… when i tell others how much i’ve taken, they all gasp. I’m used to it now.

k my pics are done downloading. adios!

skinny bitch

I HATE THAT I HAVE TO GO HERE…

I feel so big compared to these little girls who are probably anorexic. How can i compare to anorexia!!! I don’t want to go. i don’t want to be compared to these asian girls who are naturally tiny and i’m not. I don’t want to be there with a group of people completely uncomfortable, like i’m not good enough. Oh jesus. I don’t know how to just accept myself for me. I don’t know how to love my body and have the confidence that says, “this is me and i love me just as i am.” instead i think i’m not good enough! i’m too big! i’m gonna be twice as big as everyone else there and i just can’t stand that!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it’s not even that i feel compared to their bodies. i also feel compared to their lexus’s and mercedes. I have a camry and it’s obviously much lesser than theirs. I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! is it a trigger god? how do i choose thoughts that will help me realize that i’m okay just the way i am.

i don’t feel pretty enough. i don’t feel skinny enough. i don’t feel rich enough. i didn’t have the money nor the time to get a present. i don’t feel like my clothes will be good enough. it’s all not enough….

maybe they aren’t gonna be thinking all these things but for my entire life i have not felt good enough to be a korean. i have always felt like an outsider. I don’t feel like i completely belong. i feel so much better with my other multiracial friends.

god can you just calm my aching heart? i’m so bothered and worried and upset and uncertain and… jesus, i don’t feel “good enough.” With danielle, she’s as skinny as them korean girls but i feel okay with her. god… please… i don’t want to go tomorrow and yet i want to see grace and jihae and sarah but not under these circumstances. i don’t want to go feeling this way. i don’t want to go feeling like a smuck. i’d rather just be with kristi and betsy the entire day. please help!