for such a time as this.

for I wake up and see
that my life is in you
because how else could i live
if it weren’t for your love

sometimes i don’t understand
the way that you love
you say it to me again and again
and i stand without knowing

who what where when how and why
would you love such a person like me
the girl who doesn’t get it
or who just sits and regrets

how do you love
how do you choose
where does it come from
this overflowing power of love

it’s supposed to fill me, yes?
it’s supposed to complete me
and make me
into the person i’m supposed to be

and yet I find myself lost
even scattered
when once i was whole and complete

how i feel is jumbled
how i feel is saddened
how i feel is this overwhelming feeling
of heaviness that won’t lift

so i choose to sit in your presence
as i am
and say to you, my lord
oh how my heart hurts
oh how i wish it would be still
and yet it isn’t
because it isn’t done yet

the process of purging
healing
growing
lifting
it just doesn’t end now does it?

when, o lord, when
when will i feel the lift
the lightness of my wings
so that i can finally
finally soar

it’s in you
in your perfection
in your grace
and in your hope

that i can ask these things
that I can hope for an answer
outside myself

so i wait.

so i choose.

so i will stand in you.

not because i’m oh so damn holy.
but because i am oh so damn desperate.

how can i stand?
how can i live?
how can i breathe?
if you are not my source.

lord, you say my name.
you call me and say
my child, i am with you
my child, i am here
and with those words
i feel calm
all over again.

and i find
i’m back where i started from
yet better.

Thank you Jesus.

poem written by Leila Dali
copyright Leila Dali

free to be me.

I am free to be me. I am free to think about what I want in life. There are so many possibilities now! That is really exciting. I just hope I make the right decisions. I want things in life to be more successful and stable and moving forward. i want to move out of California. I don’t want to live here anymore. I want to see more trees and for the weather to be more cold perhaps. I want to really be successful in my photography business. I want life to be more consistent and for life to really propel forward. I learned a really good lesson that I don’t have to shut up and just let people tell me how life is going to unfold. I was so desperate for God to make my life good and better that I was willing to let go of all my own desires to take on God’s desires for my life. And God knew that and didn’t want me to continue living my life ONLY for him. He kinda helped me see that GOd’s will for my life was MY will and HIS will combined. That is a paradigm shift for me. That makes me realize that i can have so many things going for my life. I can really stand up and make a change. This is so awesome!

I am excited with my newfound “power.” I am excited that i get to exercise my voice and make a difference in what I want to do. I still feel scared and nervous but I WILL DO IT ANYWAY. I still have so much to learn but God is going to help me walk with it. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

I have a voice!!!!

Leila

waiting.

waiting… just waiting… and healing… and waiting… and pausing… and waiting.

nausea…

I FEEL SO SICK!! YUCK!!

My m’s are being pooped out. My body is going through changes, I can feel it. OH LORD JESUS.

healing.

healing. healing. healing.

reconciliation. reconciliation. reconciliaion.

wow. wow. wow.

God. God. God.

Thank you for healing me, my dad, my mom, my sister and our family.
The Dali Family belongs to GOD. Amen!! 

argh.

MAN I feel horrible. I feel like there’s a toxic waste dump within my heart. That is NOT good!!!

BUt actually, in a way, it IS good. It’s good that there’s a waste dump and God will not stand for the dump to be in my life. It’s good that God is stopping all sense of moving forward so that he can rid me of the crap that is called my past.

It’s 4am and I just ate. I sabotage my body weight. I’ve been overweight for a really long time. It’s because I don’t want to let my protective covering go… I’ve lost 8 pounds in the past 2 months… but that scares me. I DO need to lose weight but… *shrug*  there’s just too much going on.

I wish life were calm and happy and easy but instead life is difficult and hard and painful and life altering. God showed me a picture of me up to my ankles in toxic waste. God said if he didn’t completely STOP my life and take me out of the toxic swamp, I would repeat the past and forever be in pain and hate life. God said that I may not understand but he was determined to make my life better. He said that he was ANGRY for me and wouldn’t allow me to live this way any longer. Well at least someone is fighting for me and I don’t have to do this alone.

God also told me that my future man wouldn’t come until God cleaned up my mess. God said he didn’t want to bring hubby bubby into this mess because then he would get toxic waste on him and it would hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him.

Can I just be plain and honest and real… life fucken sucks. it hurts, i’m in pain and yet I feel like other people around me are “normal” or as normal as it gets. But I know they’re aren’t. My pain is just different. Hell yeah it’s different. I’m healing from something life altering… and no one knows… and no one can understand. and no one can say, “Hey leila, show me your heart because I will totally and completely understand.” NOPE. That’s why God brought S into my life but even with her, I have a hard time opening up. I get clingy and possessive when I don’t get all her attention. I just feel insecure that she will hurt me… and so I use whatever situation that has nothing to do with her hurting me, and I try to make up a situation to say that she shouldn’t be in my life. I try to push her away. I try to push EVERYONE away. I just want to be left alone sometimes. I don’t know how to get through this on my own. Good thing God didn’t ask me to survive this on my own. Have you ever felt misunderstood? Have you ever felt completley broken down (and yet strong at the same time). I feel like my brain got smashed and then is being rebuilt all over again. I feel like my emotions got left in an electric clothes dryer a little too long and is frayed at the edged. I feel like I’ve been bounced back and forth and up and down and all around. i don’t feel normal, i don’t feel secure, i don’t feel sound or safe or ready to face anything. I hate school and God tells me it’s because I’m too smart for the school system. Even when I tell people that, and it’s the truth and I’m not trying to be arrogant, I’m just honest– I can’t even be honest about school because who wants to hear, especially my peers, that school and the sae exact program and classes are too damn easy for leila while they are  busting their ass to pass. The classes here are so damn easy that I roll my eyes cuz I can’t stand learning what they teach. Yes I’m getting a LOT out of school because I listen, am challenged, and then I come to my own conclusion but geez louisez… it’s too damn easy. But I can’t tell anyone that. NO ONE!! and when i do tell them that, how the fuck are they supposed to respond. They can’t say, “Oh I agree” … and i sound like a freaken prick. I sound like i’m too good… no, that’s not why I say it. I say i’m too smart and school is too easy because I’m frustrated and, quite frankly, damn SURPRISED that I’m “too smart.” I still tell God that i don’t believe him, that I’m not too smart. but actually I am and it makes school that much harder to be a part of. But then I’m suppoed to be in school, for two more years exactly, to deal with this shit. I didn’t realize it was this bad.

I heard God tell me, “Come talk to me” when I was forcing myself to eat. Imagine that… someone forcing themself to eat food that they don’t want. I think to myself while forcing the food down, “I don’t want to be fat.” And then I shut down all emotion and I eat. Maybe that’s why i eat. To shut down.

God I’m really really really sad. So I think I’m gonna stop talking to the internet world and instead I’m gonna talk to you.

Oh and people keep telling me that it’s a “gift” that I can hear God so well. I’m happy that I can hear God so well. I thought everyone was like that. I wish everyone was… And i asked God about it. God said that if we seek Him we will find him. I guess I’ve been seeking very much. It’s because I’m desperate. Oh look at leila, she’s holy….. uh, NO. I’m desperate and I NEED GOD because I will die without Him. I WILL… i know I will. and i don’t want to exist unless it’s in His presense. I know what darkness is like and I want nothing to do with it. I’m OVER darkness. I want the light.. So I SEEK the light and I FIND the light and there Christ is and there he speaks.

I cry.

staying up is okay

my friend said maybe it’s worth staying up a few nights now to get rid of the junk than have it come up later.

I agree.

completely.

And that calmed me down.

don’t you hate it when?

don’t you hate it when you hate yourself? I do… and I think there are more than ONE contributing factor to why I hate myself right now. I asked God about it and God said, Don’t be hard on yourself. But just my luck, i’m hard on myself.

So here it is, I hate myself right now because I know that I’ve contributed to someone else’s pain. That sounds so damn holy now doesn’t it?? Well it’s not. I feel badly because I know that I hurt my mom and dad and sister. I know that I’m a contributing factor in the abuse situation I grew up in. KNOWING THAT SUCKS. KNOWING that is what makes it difficult to face yourself. The regret, the pain, the turmoil within. I just wish sometimes that I were perfect because if I were perfect than I wouldn’t have to deal with my mistakes! I could be perfect and not mess up and not fuck everyone else up around me! I keep hearing God say, “Be nice to yourself, be nice, be nice. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” It’s funny because God wants me to forgive others and just let them go but for myself, I’m not willing to forgive me because I feel like I need to PAY for the crap that I’ve done. I don’t think it’s in my nature to forgive… it’s not.. it really isn’t. It’s through the grace of God that i know how to forgive, because of the cross….

I feel like shit because I know that who I am is a result of my past. Oh God, I’ve tried so hard to become a different person. I felt like I was so damn determined to change and to fight the good fight. God just said, “You are fighting the good fight.” But Lord, I feel so discouraged when I see myself fall back into old ways. I get so discouraged knowing that I have messed up myself and others. This burden is HUGE on my heart. Not only that but.. i worry about my future– will I fuck them up too? Will the people I intereact with, am i fucking them over? am I being a “good christian” OH PLEASE!!! Being a “good christian” doesn’t mean jack!! A person has to follow the heart of Christ, not do and be as a “CHRISTIAN IS SUPPOSED TO.” PLEASE…. I just don’t know what to think of myself anymore. i don’t know what to do with myself either….. I just worry. God I’m worried!!

And then on top of that, I had my camera out today and was taking pictures of my best friends who stopped by today. One of my friends was taking pictures of me (we traded off the camera) and I saw how I looked. I WAS HORRIFIED by the rolls on my body, the thick legs, the skinny ankles, the wide chin that is slowly looking like a double chin. I don’t know what it is.. .maybe i just HATE MYSELF therefore when i look at myself in a picture, I HATE HOW I LOOK. I hate my picture being taken. GOD I HATE MYSELF!! AND I HATE MY PICTURE!! AND I HATE HOW I LOOK!!! AND I HATE MY FAT!!!

I feel like i fight and fight and fight and to no fuckin avail. But I don’t think that’s true. AT ALL. I KNOW that there are results and that the more I press on the better things are getting. BUt fucken-a i get so bothered and sad and arghed that things are falling into place. Shit, how fucking long have I been working on “healing” myself and my past and yet, I get nicked in the ass every so often with WHO I WAS, WHO I STILL AM, and there is a reality there that sits in front of my face saying, “THIS IS WHO YOU ARE.” Yes I know that who I am in Christ is changing and I have been crucified with Christ and that I’m a new creation. But sometimes, just sometimes, I don’t feel like a new creation. Then again, I don’t think I need to “FEEL” anything… I just need to believe. BUT FUCKEN-A it’s not just about “oh, i believe…” that crap gets old after awhile… I just want to be this way sometimes and come to God like this…

So what am I tired of? I’m fucken tired of myself. I’m tired of my past. I’m tired of it sticking it’s fucken head around the corner at me, telling me that it’s still there. I’m fucken tired of it…

Oh WAIT… God told me last night that I need to forgive… forgivness was going to be the RELEASE of my past… So I need to forgive myself as well. I CHOOSE to forgive myself because it’s not worth holding on to… even tho it PISSES ME OFF COMPLETELY!!!!

I really don’t want to carry the past into my future… piss me the fuck off… I don’t want to do it!!! God don’t let me be a screw up in my future… I don’t want the past to haunt me.. and I don’t think it will. Not when I’m in Christ…

okay, well my chest is still heavy as in I’m still having a difficult time breathing as in I’m still carrying around this burden… fuck.

AND I’M FUCKING FAT!!!! THERE IS NO GOING AROUND IT, I’M A FAT ASS!!! It’s not fair, i’m fat as fuck.. okay i’m not entirely obese and horrible but when I see pictures, it’s just the reality of what I look like so FUCK IT.. that’s me… SHIT. and I feel like I’ve been eating better and exercising a LOT… so fucken shit… I guess the fat suit hasn’t come off yet.. God says it takes time. I’m hard on myself.

God I’m just SAD. I’m sad to know that my past is still here and it still lurks it head in my life. I want to DESTROY it and yet I don’t think that’s reality. I think I will always deal with SOME part of it… always.. FUCK.

wow to blast off… and I’m tired of fear. :P

WOW!!! WOW!!! WOW!!!!!!!! My business is going “zooom!!!” soaring up into the sky! God you’re amazing. How is it that you’re doing that. But I think the more obedient I am to you, the more faithful you are to me.

I just want to repent. thank you for forgivness. I also am tired of being afraid. I’ve had fear walking around with me all my life. I’m tired of it. Let’s say BYE BYE to fear!!! Lord, please free me. and teach me how to ask you for help.

fat.

I AM FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! and tomorrow I’m going to the beach with some friends and I want to boogie board! I feel sooooo uncomfortable. I asked God, “what should I do? What do you think God?” God said, “be patient with yourself. You are changing but be kind while you are changing.” God please help me to be kind. Please help me… because… i feel so uncomfortable that I dunno how to enjoy myself. I feel so self conscious!    God please help.