free to be me.

I am free to be me. I am free to think about what I want in life. There are so many possibilities now! That is really exciting. I just hope I make the right decisions. I want things in life to be more successful and stable and moving forward. i want to move out of California. I don’t want to live here anymore. I want to see more trees and for the weather to be more cold perhaps. I want to really be successful in my photography business. I want life to be more consistent and for life to really propel forward. I learned a really good lesson that I don’t have to shut up and just let people tell me how life is going to unfold. I was so desperate for God to make my life good and better that I was willing to let go of all my own desires to take on God’s desires for my life. And God knew that and didn’t want me to continue living my life ONLY for him. He kinda helped me see that GOd’s will for my life was MY will and HIS will combined. That is a paradigm shift for me. That makes me realize that i can have so many things going for my life. I can really stand up and make a change. This is so awesome!

I am excited with my newfound “power.” I am excited that i get to exercise my voice and make a difference in what I want to do. I still feel scared and nervous but I WILL DO IT ANYWAY. I still have so much to learn but God is going to help me walk with it. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

I have a voice!!!!

Leila

no nothing.

I don’t want to sleep. i don’t want to eat. I don’t want to go to my bed. I don’t want to do ANYTHING. I have no desire to “do.” Well that’s not true. I want to take pictures. I really like that. I also like holding babies.

Did you know that God knows that I’m going through this crap. So in a way, things are okay in Him. aigo, whatever.

argh.

MAN I feel horrible. I feel like there’s a toxic waste dump within my heart. That is NOT good!!!

BUt actually, in a way, it IS good. It’s good that there’s a waste dump and God will not stand for the dump to be in my life. It’s good that God is stopping all sense of moving forward so that he can rid me of the crap that is called my past.

It’s 4am and I just ate. I sabotage my body weight. I’ve been overweight for a really long time. It’s because I don’t want to let my protective covering go… I’ve lost 8 pounds in the past 2 months… but that scares me. I DO need to lose weight but… *shrug*  there’s just too much going on.

I wish life were calm and happy and easy but instead life is difficult and hard and painful and life altering. God showed me a picture of me up to my ankles in toxic waste. God said if he didn’t completely STOP my life and take me out of the toxic swamp, I would repeat the past and forever be in pain and hate life. God said that I may not understand but he was determined to make my life better. He said that he was ANGRY for me and wouldn’t allow me to live this way any longer. Well at least someone is fighting for me and I don’t have to do this alone.

God also told me that my future man wouldn’t come until God cleaned up my mess. God said he didn’t want to bring hubby bubby into this mess because then he would get toxic waste on him and it would hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him.

Can I just be plain and honest and real… life fucken sucks. it hurts, i’m in pain and yet I feel like other people around me are “normal” or as normal as it gets. But I know they’re aren’t. My pain is just different. Hell yeah it’s different. I’m healing from something life altering… and no one knows… and no one can understand. and no one can say, “Hey leila, show me your heart because I will totally and completely understand.” NOPE. That’s why God brought S into my life but even with her, I have a hard time opening up. I get clingy and possessive when I don’t get all her attention. I just feel insecure that she will hurt me… and so I use whatever situation that has nothing to do with her hurting me, and I try to make up a situation to say that she shouldn’t be in my life. I try to push her away. I try to push EVERYONE away. I just want to be left alone sometimes. I don’t know how to get through this on my own. Good thing God didn’t ask me to survive this on my own. Have you ever felt misunderstood? Have you ever felt completley broken down (and yet strong at the same time). I feel like my brain got smashed and then is being rebuilt all over again. I feel like my emotions got left in an electric clothes dryer a little too long and is frayed at the edged. I feel like I’ve been bounced back and forth and up and down and all around. i don’t feel normal, i don’t feel secure, i don’t feel sound or safe or ready to face anything. I hate school and God tells me it’s because I’m too smart for the school system. Even when I tell people that, and it’s the truth and I’m not trying to be arrogant, I’m just honest– I can’t even be honest about school because who wants to hear, especially my peers, that school and the sae exact program and classes are too damn easy for leila while they are  busting their ass to pass. The classes here are so damn easy that I roll my eyes cuz I can’t stand learning what they teach. Yes I’m getting a LOT out of school because I listen, am challenged, and then I come to my own conclusion but geez louisez… it’s too damn easy. But I can’t tell anyone that. NO ONE!! and when i do tell them that, how the fuck are they supposed to respond. They can’t say, “Oh I agree” … and i sound like a freaken prick. I sound like i’m too good… no, that’s not why I say it. I say i’m too smart and school is too easy because I’m frustrated and, quite frankly, damn SURPRISED that I’m “too smart.” I still tell God that i don’t believe him, that I’m not too smart. but actually I am and it makes school that much harder to be a part of. But then I’m suppoed to be in school, for two more years exactly, to deal with this shit. I didn’t realize it was this bad.

I heard God tell me, “Come talk to me” when I was forcing myself to eat. Imagine that… someone forcing themself to eat food that they don’t want. I think to myself while forcing the food down, “I don’t want to be fat.” And then I shut down all emotion and I eat. Maybe that’s why i eat. To shut down.

God I’m really really really sad. So I think I’m gonna stop talking to the internet world and instead I’m gonna talk to you.

Oh and people keep telling me that it’s a “gift” that I can hear God so well. I’m happy that I can hear God so well. I thought everyone was like that. I wish everyone was… And i asked God about it. God said that if we seek Him we will find him. I guess I’ve been seeking very much. It’s because I’m desperate. Oh look at leila, she’s holy….. uh, NO. I’m desperate and I NEED GOD because I will die without Him. I WILL… i know I will. and i don’t want to exist unless it’s in His presense. I know what darkness is like and I want nothing to do with it. I’m OVER darkness. I want the light.. So I SEEK the light and I FIND the light and there Christ is and there he speaks.

I cry.

staying up is okay

my friend said maybe it’s worth staying up a few nights now to get rid of the junk than have it come up later.

I agree.

completely.

And that calmed me down.

something was off.

Tonight was supposed tobe fun but something was off. I was disturbed at how the people lined up to get as much alcohol as they could, as if they were fish out of water and their life depended on their alcohol consumption. They were guzzling the alcohol as if their bodies wouldn’t eject it, as if their kidney’s could contain the alcohol and as if the hole in their hearts could be filled by this liquid. I thought maybe I was being to “religious.” Maybe I was thinking to hard or analyzing or being too hard on everyone. After all, jesus’s first miracle WAS turning water into wine at a wedding. i was at a wedding. They were drinking the wine as if it were water. Was I off?

No really, i don’t have a problem with alcohol. I don’t think drinking alcohol is any worse than over eating or living your life consumed in electronics. Anything that is over the edge you have to have use caution. I don’t think smoking is a matter of “christianity” but rather a matter of health. I think alcohol consumption is a health factor as well and eating too many hamburgers at McDonalds is the same type of issue.

But what was it about tonight that jerked me within. As if the people couldn’t be excused to have fun or be lively or be themselves unless they had some alcohol.

really, I’m not against alcohol. I don’t mind some rum and coke myself. But seriously….

So what do i think was going on? I think some people were looking for outside means to fill something on the inside. There’s a difference between being full already within and then drinking and drinking to fill up within.

I wish people were full already. I think people are walking around on empty. that makes me sad.

HE CAN FILL YOU UP! He is the living water that just fills your cup until it overflows. I just wish people wouldn’t shy away from Christ and would rather let him in to love them. He really is that good. I wish there’s wasn’t such a stigma against God. because God didn’t do anything wrong. he’s such a great God. I wish people would give him a chance. BOO.

Okee… good night! I really really really want to eat a candy bar right now. YUM!! But… i can’t. darn.

i like my new neighbors.

Sooooooo i was excited about today because it was my last day in class for the school year. I saw that the Haynes’s door was open so I went over to say hello and saw that they were having dinner with my new neighbors (their new neighbors as well.. we share neighbors). I went over and asked them if it were rude that I was coming over. They said no. so i hung out with them. it was nice. I like my new neighbors! yay!

I have half a paper and some skimming to do and I’m done with my quarter! YA-FREAKEN-HOO!!!

the unbeautiful.

I wonder how Jesus felt. they say he wasn’t very attractive. he was just an ordinary joe. I wonder if he felt ugly. I asked Jesus right now how he felt when he walked on this earth. Did people not think he was wearing the right turban? Did people not think he was pretty because his shoes were dirty? did people not like the way his hair sat on his head? was he not the typical jew (or whatever race he was born into). Did he not live up to the beauty standard of his time. I don’t think he did. I think he was a plain person.

So I just asked Jesus, did you feel ugly when you walked this earth? Jesus answered that he knew his beauty and knew who he was in God. He knew his real self.

Well… i’ve never felt beautiful. People have told me i looked exotic or different… or on a good day when i’ve spent a special amount of time in the bathroom looking decent, i’ll come out and people will say, “wow you look pretty.” but …. i think it’s because i DID something to be “beautiful.” it wasn’t natural. it wasn’t inherently pretty.

Jesus, help me see my beauty please. not the beauty of this world. not “leila, you are pretty.” I want to know your beauty. i want to be beautiful because you show it to me.

why can i see other people’s beauty and not my own. i get irritated and angry when people get ashamed of how they look. they are BEAUTIFUL and they keep saying, “oh i look weird.” i hate that! They have a misconception of themselves. they have a warped image of self.

But OH jesh, that sounds sooooo familiar doesn’t it. I say that all the time. I HATE having my picture taken. HATE IT WITH A FREAKEN PASSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only way I would want my picture taken is by a professional photographer, one who knows how to make people look good. if i could clone myself, i would be the photographer as well as the subject and i would make myself look dazzlings! simply dazzling! then i would post my picture up everywhere for the world to see my pseudo self.

on another note, i took pictures again today. I HAVE IMPROVED!!! my pictures of kids are soooo much better! I get them right in the action and my pictures are so much more fun to look at. I think i need to get adults more in the action as well. they are boring when they just stand there. I don’t like that!! But… i’m still uncertain what to do with my adult models. I’m not sure if their hands should go up or down or around or lift their leg or wrap their legs around the bench or stand or sit or hands up or face down or zoom in or out or…. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! that’s why i just take pictures of my friends so that when we start i can say — i have no freaken clue what to do with you!

Shelah photography is taking off!!! my blog is being look at constantly!!! in one week it had 89 hits! yah-freaken-hoo-za!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me and Jesus and my camera and my pictures are the BOMB-BAH!!!!!!!!! I put prices up. pooey… my prices suck. they are sooooo low. i’m gonna be doing this for practically NOTHING!!! i wanted to charge super duper bucks.. but i can’t. I have to start low and raise them slowly. poop on that. i want to be paid what i think is worth my talent. i think i can do it… i think i’m as good as some professionals with MORE experience than me… and then again, i’m not as good as other professionals… but i think i should be paid more.. oh well.. gotta do what you gotta do initially.

I had to down load 1,733 pictures right now.. HOLY MOLEY! I take a lot of pictures. but that’s normal for a photographer… when i tell others how much i’ve taken, they all gasp. I’m used to it now.

k my pics are done downloading. adios!

tanks Jesus.

tanks Jesus. it’s time to celebrate!

choosing life.

Deut 30:19 “This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.”

I CHOOSE LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember that book I told you I was reading? Happiness is a Choice, By FrankMD Minirth (Author), PaulMD Meier (Author), well i stayed up to read bits and pieces of that book and could not put it down! I did not know I could choose a life that is amazing!! I did not know i was hiding behind depression because I was scared to live my own life! i did not know that i can over come this quickly!!! I DID NOT KNOW!!!

waaaa.

boy did I CRY. i cried and cried and cried… it was deep weeping. i just had to tell God everything and anything and just explain to him my heart. it was some serious weeping. and in the end, i felt so much better. sometimes you just need to let it out!!

i told god i was angry with this world. i was angry at the darkness and the hurt. i was angry at the lack of compassion i see from people. i’m angry that people are hungry. i’m angry that people don’t have enough and then others have too much. i’m just angry!! and i have a right to be angry. i’ve shoved down my anger for too long and i don’t want to be silent anymore!! i’m angry at my own life, angry for my dad and mom and sister and friends and people in other countries. i’m angry at the system called earth. i’m angry, oh so damn angry!!!!!!!!!!

i told god i wanted to go home, to him… i wept. i just wanted OUT of this stupid world. but then my heart stops and i know i won’t leave and i know i don’t want to go because i’ve been commissioned.. i’m supposed to be here, i’m supposd to stay, i’m supposed to speak, i’m supposed to be a mom and a wife and i’m supposed to make a difference in this world. i’m supposed be blessed and have an abundance and i’m supposed to thrive and laugh and enjoy myself.

i asked God why doesn’t he just heal me quickly. god told me i’m like an iceberg… i only see the little bit on top but underneath all that is a HUGE chunk of ice. i told god to melt the damn ice!!! hurry up and heal me! god said, “what will we replace it with? if you heal too quickly, you will be left with no identity. you have to chip away at the old but replace it with the new.” god is sooo wise. hahahaha. of course he is!!

God is funny. he’s so patient with me and my anger. sometimes i don’t understand the world. i don’t understand the world systems and why there’s evil and those stupid demons that are supposed to be UNDER OUR FEET not above our feet and not harassing us!!! we are and were supposed to take dominion over our earth, to subdue it… god told me last night that the way to defeat the enemy is not to necessarily fight (sometimes) but to dance in victory because we’ve already won the war!!!! the enemy attempts to lie to us, saying that we need to fight him because we haven’t won…. then we just keep putting our efforts into a war that we’ve already won. it’s waste!! so God explained that we are to leave, walk away and start dancing in celebration! we are victorious in christ… HIS victory is OUR victory. I LOVE IT!!! I love the GOSPEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so dance I shall!

i had a rough night last night. i seem to get the worst stuff out at night… i feel like it’s the only time i can get really real with god and just let my heart pour out to him. other times, during the day, with people — yeah right! let’s see those tear flow, i don’t think so!!!! but it’s hard to weep at night (haha) because then people can hear me. hahahahaa!! so i have to stifle my tears.. but they’re still loud. oh well.

i choose to push past all these feelings and enjoy my day. i get to go to nations banquet (or something like that) tonight where we taste all these cultural foods! can’t wait! yay!

ok, i’m probably a lot more happy when i type than i am in real life. i’m pretty mellow right now. i’m usually like that after a big cry the night before. also i’ve been so stressed with the stuff that comes out of my heart that i got a cold sore!!!!!!!!!! damn thing! but i just bought abreva so i’m gonna try that sucka out!

k, i’m off to start my day (at 3pm??? YES!!!!! at 3 pm!!!!!!!!!! i fell asleep at 5am!!!)… my sleep schedule is off because i do so much healing and talking to God at night. i don’t have to be like “everyone else.” i’m hungry. bye!