argh.

MAN I feel horrible. I feel like there’s a toxic waste dump within my heart. That is NOT good!!!

BUt actually, in a way, it IS good. It’s good that there’s a waste dump and God will not stand for the dump to be in my life. It’s good that God is stopping all sense of moving forward so that he can rid me of the crap that is called my past.

It’s 4am and I just ate. I sabotage my body weight. I’ve been overweight for a really long time. It’s because I don’t want to let my protective covering go… I’ve lost 8 pounds in the past 2 months… but that scares me. I DO need to lose weight but… *shrug*  there’s just too much going on.

I wish life were calm and happy and easy but instead life is difficult and hard and painful and life altering. God showed me a picture of me up to my ankles in toxic waste. God said if he didn’t completely STOP my life and take me out of the toxic swamp, I would repeat the past and forever be in pain and hate life. God said that I may not understand but he was determined to make my life better. He said that he was ANGRY for me and wouldn’t allow me to live this way any longer. Well at least someone is fighting for me and I don’t have to do this alone.

God also told me that my future man wouldn’t come until God cleaned up my mess. God said he didn’t want to bring hubby bubby into this mess because then he would get toxic waste on him and it would hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him.

Can I just be plain and honest and real… life fucken sucks. it hurts, i’m in pain and yet I feel like other people around me are “normal” or as normal as it gets. But I know they’re aren’t. My pain is just different. Hell yeah it’s different. I’m healing from something life altering… and no one knows… and no one can understand. and no one can say, “Hey leila, show me your heart because I will totally and completely understand.” NOPE. That’s why God brought S into my life but even with her, I have a hard time opening up. I get clingy and possessive when I don’t get all her attention. I just feel insecure that she will hurt me… and so I use whatever situation that has nothing to do with her hurting me, and I try to make up a situation to say that she shouldn’t be in my life. I try to push her away. I try to push EVERYONE away. I just want to be left alone sometimes. I don’t know how to get through this on my own. Good thing God didn’t ask me to survive this on my own. Have you ever felt misunderstood? Have you ever felt completley broken down (and yet strong at the same time). I feel like my brain got smashed and then is being rebuilt all over again. I feel like my emotions got left in an electric clothes dryer a little too long and is frayed at the edged. I feel like I’ve been bounced back and forth and up and down and all around. i don’t feel normal, i don’t feel secure, i don’t feel sound or safe or ready to face anything. I hate school and God tells me it’s because I’m too smart for the school system. Even when I tell people that, and it’s the truth and I’m not trying to be arrogant, I’m just honest– I can’t even be honest about school because who wants to hear, especially my peers, that school and the sae exact program and classes are too damn easy for leila while they are  busting their ass to pass. The classes here are so damn easy that I roll my eyes cuz I can’t stand learning what they teach. Yes I’m getting a LOT out of school because I listen, am challenged, and then I come to my own conclusion but geez louisez… it’s too damn easy. But I can’t tell anyone that. NO ONE!! and when i do tell them that, how the fuck are they supposed to respond. They can’t say, “Oh I agree” … and i sound like a freaken prick. I sound like i’m too good… no, that’s not why I say it. I say i’m too smart and school is too easy because I’m frustrated and, quite frankly, damn SURPRISED that I’m “too smart.” I still tell God that i don’t believe him, that I’m not too smart. but actually I am and it makes school that much harder to be a part of. But then I’m suppoed to be in school, for two more years exactly, to deal with this shit. I didn’t realize it was this bad.

I heard God tell me, “Come talk to me” when I was forcing myself to eat. Imagine that… someone forcing themself to eat food that they don’t want. I think to myself while forcing the food down, “I don’t want to be fat.” And then I shut down all emotion and I eat. Maybe that’s why i eat. To shut down.

God I’m really really really sad. So I think I’m gonna stop talking to the internet world and instead I’m gonna talk to you.

Oh and people keep telling me that it’s a “gift” that I can hear God so well. I’m happy that I can hear God so well. I thought everyone was like that. I wish everyone was… And i asked God about it. God said that if we seek Him we will find him. I guess I’ve been seeking very much. It’s because I’m desperate. Oh look at leila, she’s holy….. uh, NO. I’m desperate and I NEED GOD because I will die without Him. I WILL… i know I will. and i don’t want to exist unless it’s in His presense. I know what darkness is like and I want nothing to do with it. I’m OVER darkness. I want the light.. So I SEEK the light and I FIND the light and there Christ is and there he speaks.

I cry.

don’t you hate it when?

don’t you hate it when you hate yourself? I do… and I think there are more than ONE contributing factor to why I hate myself right now. I asked God about it and God said, Don’t be hard on yourself. But just my luck, i’m hard on myself.

So here it is, I hate myself right now because I know that I’ve contributed to someone else’s pain. That sounds so damn holy now doesn’t it?? Well it’s not. I feel badly because I know that I hurt my mom and dad and sister. I know that I’m a contributing factor in the abuse situation I grew up in. KNOWING THAT SUCKS. KNOWING that is what makes it difficult to face yourself. The regret, the pain, the turmoil within. I just wish sometimes that I were perfect because if I were perfect than I wouldn’t have to deal with my mistakes! I could be perfect and not mess up and not fuck everyone else up around me! I keep hearing God say, “Be nice to yourself, be nice, be nice. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” It’s funny because God wants me to forgive others and just let them go but for myself, I’m not willing to forgive me because I feel like I need to PAY for the crap that I’ve done. I don’t think it’s in my nature to forgive… it’s not.. it really isn’t. It’s through the grace of God that i know how to forgive, because of the cross….

I feel like shit because I know that who I am is a result of my past. Oh God, I’ve tried so hard to become a different person. I felt like I was so damn determined to change and to fight the good fight. God just said, “You are fighting the good fight.” But Lord, I feel so discouraged when I see myself fall back into old ways. I get so discouraged knowing that I have messed up myself and others. This burden is HUGE on my heart. Not only that but.. i worry about my future– will I fuck them up too? Will the people I intereact with, am i fucking them over? am I being a “good christian” OH PLEASE!!! Being a “good christian” doesn’t mean jack!! A person has to follow the heart of Christ, not do and be as a “CHRISTIAN IS SUPPOSED TO.” PLEASE…. I just don’t know what to think of myself anymore. i don’t know what to do with myself either….. I just worry. God I’m worried!!

And then on top of that, I had my camera out today and was taking pictures of my best friends who stopped by today. One of my friends was taking pictures of me (we traded off the camera) and I saw how I looked. I WAS HORRIFIED by the rolls on my body, the thick legs, the skinny ankles, the wide chin that is slowly looking like a double chin. I don’t know what it is.. .maybe i just HATE MYSELF therefore when i look at myself in a picture, I HATE HOW I LOOK. I hate my picture being taken. GOD I HATE MYSELF!! AND I HATE MY PICTURE!! AND I HATE HOW I LOOK!!! AND I HATE MY FAT!!!

I feel like i fight and fight and fight and to no fuckin avail. But I don’t think that’s true. AT ALL. I KNOW that there are results and that the more I press on the better things are getting. BUt fucken-a i get so bothered and sad and arghed that things are falling into place. Shit, how fucking long have I been working on “healing” myself and my past and yet, I get nicked in the ass every so often with WHO I WAS, WHO I STILL AM, and there is a reality there that sits in front of my face saying, “THIS IS WHO YOU ARE.” Yes I know that who I am in Christ is changing and I have been crucified with Christ and that I’m a new creation. But sometimes, just sometimes, I don’t feel like a new creation. Then again, I don’t think I need to “FEEL” anything… I just need to believe. BUT FUCKEN-A it’s not just about “oh, i believe…” that crap gets old after awhile… I just want to be this way sometimes and come to God like this…

So what am I tired of? I’m fucken tired of myself. I’m tired of my past. I’m tired of it sticking it’s fucken head around the corner at me, telling me that it’s still there. I’m fucken tired of it…

Oh WAIT… God told me last night that I need to forgive… forgivness was going to be the RELEASE of my past… So I need to forgive myself as well. I CHOOSE to forgive myself because it’s not worth holding on to… even tho it PISSES ME OFF COMPLETELY!!!!

I really don’t want to carry the past into my future… piss me the fuck off… I don’t want to do it!!! God don’t let me be a screw up in my future… I don’t want the past to haunt me.. and I don’t think it will. Not when I’m in Christ…

okay, well my chest is still heavy as in I’m still having a difficult time breathing as in I’m still carrying around this burden… fuck.

AND I’M FUCKING FAT!!!! THERE IS NO GOING AROUND IT, I’M A FAT ASS!!! It’s not fair, i’m fat as fuck.. okay i’m not entirely obese and horrible but when I see pictures, it’s just the reality of what I look like so FUCK IT.. that’s me… SHIT. and I feel like I’ve been eating better and exercising a LOT… so fucken shit… I guess the fat suit hasn’t come off yet.. God says it takes time. I’m hard on myself.

God I’m just SAD. I’m sad to know that my past is still here and it still lurks it head in my life. I want to DESTROY it and yet I don’t think that’s reality. I think I will always deal with SOME part of it… always.. FUCK.

fat.

I AM FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! and tomorrow I’m going to the beach with some friends and I want to boogie board! I feel sooooo uncomfortable. I asked God, “what should I do? What do you think God?” God said, “be patient with yourself. You are changing but be kind while you are changing.” God please help me to be kind. Please help me… because… i feel so uncomfortable that I dunno how to enjoy myself. I feel so self conscious!    God please help.

sewing machines and boogie boards.

I BOUGHT A SEWING MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!! and a boogie board. hahaha

So why the lowercaps for boogie board? Because I’m totally self conscious of my OVER WEIGHT BODY! and I TOLD God that I need to lose weight and I can do it MY way which will be harmful and unhealthy. Then God said that my food issues has to do with my past issues so when the past settles down within me, so will my food and body issues. THAT IS GOING TO TAKE 3,000 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My first project will be to take clothes that I will give away or that people don’t want and take them apart to put them back together again! and then to make new designs with them! I am SOOO excited to mess things up and see how to make things amazing! YAHOO-ZA!

the end.

the unbeautiful.

I wonder how Jesus felt. they say he wasn’t very attractive. he was just an ordinary joe. I wonder if he felt ugly. I asked Jesus right now how he felt when he walked on this earth. Did people not think he was wearing the right turban? Did people not think he was pretty because his shoes were dirty? did people not like the way his hair sat on his head? was he not the typical jew (or whatever race he was born into). Did he not live up to the beauty standard of his time. I don’t think he did. I think he was a plain person.

So I just asked Jesus, did you feel ugly when you walked this earth? Jesus answered that he knew his beauty and knew who he was in God. He knew his real self.

Well… i’ve never felt beautiful. People have told me i looked exotic or different… or on a good day when i’ve spent a special amount of time in the bathroom looking decent, i’ll come out and people will say, “wow you look pretty.” but …. i think it’s because i DID something to be “beautiful.” it wasn’t natural. it wasn’t inherently pretty.

Jesus, help me see my beauty please. not the beauty of this world. not “leila, you are pretty.” I want to know your beauty. i want to be beautiful because you show it to me.

why can i see other people’s beauty and not my own. i get irritated and angry when people get ashamed of how they look. they are BEAUTIFUL and they keep saying, “oh i look weird.” i hate that! They have a misconception of themselves. they have a warped image of self.

But OH jesh, that sounds sooooo familiar doesn’t it. I say that all the time. I HATE having my picture taken. HATE IT WITH A FREAKEN PASSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only way I would want my picture taken is by a professional photographer, one who knows how to make people look good. if i could clone myself, i would be the photographer as well as the subject and i would make myself look dazzlings! simply dazzling! then i would post my picture up everywhere for the world to see my pseudo self.

on another note, i took pictures again today. I HAVE IMPROVED!!! my pictures of kids are soooo much better! I get them right in the action and my pictures are so much more fun to look at. I think i need to get adults more in the action as well. they are boring when they just stand there. I don’t like that!! But… i’m still uncertain what to do with my adult models. I’m not sure if their hands should go up or down or around or lift their leg or wrap their legs around the bench or stand or sit or hands up or face down or zoom in or out or…. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! that’s why i just take pictures of my friends so that when we start i can say — i have no freaken clue what to do with you!

Shelah photography is taking off!!! my blog is being look at constantly!!! in one week it had 89 hits! yah-freaken-hoo-za!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me and Jesus and my camera and my pictures are the BOMB-BAH!!!!!!!!! I put prices up. pooey… my prices suck. they are sooooo low. i’m gonna be doing this for practically NOTHING!!! i wanted to charge super duper bucks.. but i can’t. I have to start low and raise them slowly. poop on that. i want to be paid what i think is worth my talent. i think i can do it… i think i’m as good as some professionals with MORE experience than me… and then again, i’m not as good as other professionals… but i think i should be paid more.. oh well.. gotta do what you gotta do initially.

I had to down load 1,733 pictures right now.. HOLY MOLEY! I take a lot of pictures. but that’s normal for a photographer… when i tell others how much i’ve taken, they all gasp. I’m used to it now.

k my pics are done downloading. adios!