oh.my.goodness.

aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just needed to get that off my chest.

What a weekend! What a time to be so mean to myself! I think i need to spend some time with Jesus. No i need to exercise. no i need to be nicer to myself!!! argh!

So let’s get my thoughts in order here. Friday I enjoyed my day. what did i do? I have no clue! I don’t remember! oh yeah, i took 1,000+ pictures of the kids outside! OMWORD do i take a lot of pictures. I just need to throw most of them away after I’ve taken all of them. What else did I do? Then I went on a bike ride and that was a good work out. It kicked my ass! I rode bikes with this neighbor I have who i’m irritated with because she’s flaky! I don’t like flaky! I don’t mind if we have to do different things or if something comes up, but she wasn’t calling me for our regular scheduled work outs and she was off and on and she would say, “i’m not gonna go just cuz i don’t feel good.” that was bull shit and i was tired of it… it was ruining and putting off balance my own wok out schedule and i can’t afford that! I really really really need to be able to work out almost everyday to help me with my endorphines. So i told her I wasn’t going to work out with her anymore. She kinda irritates me in general but she’s a sweet girl.. but irritating. HEY, that’s life!!! That’s how the cookie crumbles.

There’s this guy at my school who i have a crush on just because she’s super sweet. He’s soooo nice! I just like him a lot. it makes me feel like that’s the type of guy i want to be with — sweet Also there’s this other guy from my old college that i used to have a crush on. I see him every once in awhile and i saw him on saturday for my friend’s wedding. waddah yah know, thos same ol’ crush feelings came up again! hahaha. they always come up when i see him!!!! hahaha.. but he’s of a denomination that i don’t like so.. NOPE!! oh, that and he has a girl friend. oh well!

wedding photography looks difficult. AND i don’t like being the center of attention… AND i get uncomfortable. AND i think i already like portraiture and kids and families and outdoor photography anyway.

ok, i need to go do some other stuff. bye!

the unbeautiful.

I wonder how Jesus felt. they say he wasn’t very attractive. he was just an ordinary joe. I wonder if he felt ugly. I asked Jesus right now how he felt when he walked on this earth. Did people not think he was wearing the right turban? Did people not think he was pretty because his shoes were dirty? did people not like the way his hair sat on his head? was he not the typical jew (or whatever race he was born into). Did he not live up to the beauty standard of his time. I don’t think he did. I think he was a plain person.

So I just asked Jesus, did you feel ugly when you walked this earth? Jesus answered that he knew his beauty and knew who he was in God. He knew his real self.

Well… i’ve never felt beautiful. People have told me i looked exotic or different… or on a good day when i’ve spent a special amount of time in the bathroom looking decent, i’ll come out and people will say, “wow you look pretty.” but …. i think it’s because i DID something to be “beautiful.” it wasn’t natural. it wasn’t inherently pretty.

Jesus, help me see my beauty please. not the beauty of this world. not “leila, you are pretty.” I want to know your beauty. i want to be beautiful because you show it to me.

why can i see other people’s beauty and not my own. i get irritated and angry when people get ashamed of how they look. they are BEAUTIFUL and they keep saying, “oh i look weird.” i hate that! They have a misconception of themselves. they have a warped image of self.

But OH jesh, that sounds sooooo familiar doesn’t it. I say that all the time. I HATE having my picture taken. HATE IT WITH A FREAKEN PASSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only way I would want my picture taken is by a professional photographer, one who knows how to make people look good. if i could clone myself, i would be the photographer as well as the subject and i would make myself look dazzlings! simply dazzling! then i would post my picture up everywhere for the world to see my pseudo self.

on another note, i took pictures again today. I HAVE IMPROVED!!! my pictures of kids are soooo much better! I get them right in the action and my pictures are so much more fun to look at. I think i need to get adults more in the action as well. they are boring when they just stand there. I don’t like that!! But… i’m still uncertain what to do with my adult models. I’m not sure if their hands should go up or down or around or lift their leg or wrap their legs around the bench or stand or sit or hands up or face down or zoom in or out or…. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! that’s why i just take pictures of my friends so that when we start i can say — i have no freaken clue what to do with you!

Shelah photography is taking off!!! my blog is being look at constantly!!! in one week it had 89 hits! yah-freaken-hoo-za!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me and Jesus and my camera and my pictures are the BOMB-BAH!!!!!!!!! I put prices up. pooey… my prices suck. they are sooooo low. i’m gonna be doing this for practically NOTHING!!! i wanted to charge super duper bucks.. but i can’t. I have to start low and raise them slowly. poop on that. i want to be paid what i think is worth my talent. i think i can do it… i think i’m as good as some professionals with MORE experience than me… and then again, i’m not as good as other professionals… but i think i should be paid more.. oh well.. gotta do what you gotta do initially.

I had to down load 1,733 pictures right now.. HOLY MOLEY! I take a lot of pictures. but that’s normal for a photographer… when i tell others how much i’ve taken, they all gasp. I’m used to it now.

k my pics are done downloading. adios!