free to be me.

I am free to be me. I am free to think about what I want in life. There are so many possibilities now! That is really exciting. I just hope I make the right decisions. I want things in life to be more successful and stable and moving forward. i want to move out of California. I don’t want to live here anymore. I want to see more trees and for the weather to be more cold perhaps. I want to really be successful in my photography business. I want life to be more consistent and for life to really propel forward. I learned a really good lesson that I don’t have to shut up and just let people tell me how life is going to unfold. I was so desperate for God to make my life good and better that I was willing to let go of all my own desires to take on God’s desires for my life. And God knew that and didn’t want me to continue living my life ONLY for him. He kinda helped me see that GOd’s will for my life was MY will and HIS will combined. That is a paradigm shift for me. That makes me realize that i can have so many things going for my life. I can really stand up and make a change. This is so awesome!

I am excited with my newfound “power.” I am excited that i get to exercise my voice and make a difference in what I want to do. I still feel scared and nervous but I WILL DO IT ANYWAY. I still have so much to learn but God is going to help me walk with it. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

I have a voice!!!!

Leila

today is a new day.

Today is a new day, i will REJOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!! And the SUN IS SHINING!!! I WILL REJOICE SOME MORE!!!!!!!!!!!! and my period started! That’s a HUGE reason for me to rejoice! :0) heehee.. sorry if you’re sensitive to woman things.

anyway, today is a good day for a nice sunny bike ride.

bye!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, my website is awesome and loads of people are going to it!!!!!!! yahoo!!!

i hate school.

I ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, QUANTITIVELY HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I learned that I’m “really smart,” very intelligent, very bright… i’m so bright that school is too easy for me. I’m in grad school and I think the things the class tells me to do are a waste of my freakin time! I don’t like doing the work i’m asked to do, i’m not interested in the subject matter therefore I don’t put in the effort, I feel like i’m here out of obedience and as a result i’m learning what i need to learn and i’m half-assing everything else. I am soooo irritated and sooooooooo angry!!! wtf!! i’m also asian and i’m used to getting A’s and B’s in school and I do NOT get C’s. i do NOT get average grades unless i was really struggling in that class.

Maybe i’m trying to be a perfectionist. maybe I’m trying to get all my kudos from school.

NO I AM NOT!!!!!!!!!

This school shit that i’m supposed to be doing is STUPID. It’s not that i’m not studious because I AM. I’m SUPER studious… but i don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do this shit but I feel like this is where i’m supposed to be. Lord, maybe i’m supposed to just take this shit by the reins and make a choice!!!!!!!! God i’m so sad that i’m getting bad grades and yet i’m TOTALLY UNMOTIVATED to do the work to get me grades. it’s just a bunch of bull SHIT!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

choosing life.

Deut 30:19 “This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.”

I CHOOSE LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember that book I told you I was reading? Happiness is a Choice, By FrankMD Minirth (Author), PaulMD Meier (Author), well i stayed up to read bits and pieces of that book and could not put it down! I did not know I could choose a life that is amazing!! I did not know i was hiding behind depression because I was scared to live my own life! i did not know that i can over come this quickly!!! I DID NOT KNOW!!!