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I am free to be me. I am free to think about what I want in life. There are so many possibilities now! That is really exciting. I just hope I make the right decisions. I want things in life to be more successful and stable and moving forward. i want to move out of California. I don’t want to live here anymore. I want to see more trees and for the weather to be more cold perhaps. I want to really be successful in my photography business. I want life to be more consistent and for life to really propel forward. I learned a really good lesson that I don’t have to shut up and just let people tell me how life is going to unfold. I was so desperate for God to make my life good and better that I was willing to let go of all my own desires to take on God’s desires for my life. And God knew that and didn’t want me to continue living my life ONLY for him. He kinda helped me see that GOd’s will for my life was MY will and HIS will combined. That is a paradigm shift for me. That makes me realize that i can have so many things going for my life. I can really stand up and make a change. This is so awesome! 
I am excited with my newfound “power.” I am excited that i get to exercise my voice and make a difference in what I want to do. I still feel scared and nervous but I WILL DO IT ANYWAY. I still have so much to learn but God is going to help me walk with it. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!
I have a voice!!!!
Leila
I wonder how Jesus felt. they say he wasn’t very attractive. he was just an ordinary joe. I wonder if he felt ugly. I asked Jesus right now how he felt when he walked on this earth. Did people not think he was wearing the right turban? Did people not think he was pretty because his shoes were dirty? did people not like the way his hair sat on his head? was he not the typical jew (or whatever race he was born into). Did he not live up to the beauty standard of his time. I don’t think he did. I think he was a plain person.
So I just asked Jesus, did you feel ugly when you walked this earth? Jesus answered that he knew his beauty and knew who he was in God. He knew his real self.
Well… i’ve never felt beautiful. People have told me i looked exotic or different… or on a good day when i’ve spent a special amount of time in the bathroom looking decent, i’ll come out and people will say, “wow you look pretty.” but …. i think it’s because i DID something to be “beautiful.” it wasn’t natural. it wasn’t inherently pretty.
Jesus, help me see my beauty please. not the beauty of this world. not “leila, you are pretty.” I want to know your beauty. i want to be beautiful because you show it to me.
why can i see other people’s beauty and not my own. i get irritated and angry when people get ashamed of how they look. they are BEAUTIFUL and they keep saying, “oh i look weird.” i hate that! They have a misconception of themselves. they have a warped image of self.
But OH jesh, that sounds sooooo familiar doesn’t it. I say that all the time. I HATE having my picture taken. HATE IT WITH A FREAKEN PASSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only way I would want my picture taken is by a professional photographer, one who knows how to make people look good. if i could clone myself, i would be the photographer as well as the subject and i would make myself look dazzlings! simply dazzling! then i would post my picture up everywhere for the world to see my pseudo self. 
on another note, i took pictures again today. I HAVE IMPROVED!!! my pictures of kids are soooo much better! I get them right in the action and my pictures are so much more fun to look at. I think i need to get adults more in the action as well. they are boring when they just stand there. I don’t like that!! But… i’m still uncertain what to do with my adult models. I’m not sure if their hands should go up or down or around or lift their leg or wrap their legs around the bench or stand or sit or hands up or face down or zoom in or out or…. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! that’s why i just take pictures of my friends so that when we start i can say — i have no freaken clue what to do with you!
Shelah photography is taking off!!! my blog is being look at constantly!!! in one week it had 89 hits! yah-freaken-hoo-za!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me and Jesus and my camera and my pictures are the BOMB-BAH!!!!!!!!! I put prices up. pooey… my prices suck. they are sooooo low. i’m gonna be doing this for practically NOTHING!!! i wanted to charge super duper bucks.. but i can’t. I have to start low and raise them slowly. poop on that. i want to be paid what i think is worth my talent. i think i can do it… i think i’m as good as some professionals with MORE experience than me… and then again, i’m not as good as other professionals… but i think i should be paid more.. oh well.. gotta do what you gotta do initially.
I had to down load 1,733 pictures right now.. HOLY MOLEY! I take a lot of pictures. but that’s normal for a photographer… when i tell others how much i’ve taken, they all gasp. I’m used to it now.
k my pics are done downloading. adios!
Today is a new day, i will REJOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!! And the SUN IS SHINING!!! I WILL REJOICE SOME MORE!!!!!!!!!!!! and my period started! That’s a HUGE reason for me to rejoice! :0) heehee.. sorry if you’re sensitive to woman things.
anyway, today is a good day for a nice sunny bike ride.
bye!
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, my website is awesome and loads of people are going to it!!!!!!! yahoo!!!
Deut 30:19 “This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.”
I CHOOSE LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember that book I told you I was reading? Happiness is a Choice, By FrankMD Minirth (Author), PaulMD Meier (Author), well i stayed up to read bits and pieces of that book and could not put it down! I did not know I could choose a life that is amazing!! I did not know i was hiding behind depression because I was scared to live my own life! i did not know that i can over come this quickly!!! I DID NOT KNOW!!!
