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MAN I feel horrible. I feel like there’s a toxic waste dump within my heart. That is NOT good!!!
BUt actually, in a way, it IS good. It’s good that there’s a waste dump and God will not stand for the dump to be in my life. It’s good that God is stopping all sense of moving forward so that he can rid me of the crap that is called my past.
It’s 4am and I just ate. I sabotage my body weight. I’ve been overweight for a really long time. It’s because I don’t want to let my protective covering go… I’ve lost 8 pounds in the past 2 months… but that scares me. I DO need to lose weight but… *shrug* there’s just too much going on.
I wish life were calm and happy and easy but instead life is difficult and hard and painful and life altering. God showed me a picture of me up to my ankles in toxic waste. God said if he didn’t completely STOP my life and take me out of the toxic swamp, I would repeat the past and forever be in pain and hate life. God said that I may not understand but he was determined to make my life better. He said that he was ANGRY for me and wouldn’t allow me to live this way any longer. Well at least someone is fighting for me and I don’t have to do this alone.
God also told me that my future man wouldn’t come until God cleaned up my mess. God said he didn’t want to bring hubby bubby into this mess because then he would get toxic waste on him and it would hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him.
Can I just be plain and honest and real… life fucken sucks. it hurts, i’m in pain and yet I feel like other people around me are “normal” or as normal as it gets. But I know they’re aren’t. My pain is just different. Hell yeah it’s different. I’m healing from something life altering… and no one knows… and no one can understand. and no one can say, “Hey leila, show me your heart because I will totally and completely understand.” NOPE. That’s why God brought S into my life but even with her, I have a hard time opening up. I get clingy and possessive when I don’t get all her attention. I just feel insecure that she will hurt me… and so I use whatever situation that has nothing to do with her hurting me, and I try to make up a situation to say that she shouldn’t be in my life. I try to push her away. I try to push EVERYONE away. I just want to be left alone sometimes. I don’t know how to get through this on my own. Good thing God didn’t ask me to survive this on my own. Have you ever felt misunderstood? Have you ever felt completley broken down (and yet strong at the same time). I feel like my brain got smashed and then is being rebuilt all over again. I feel like my emotions got left in an electric clothes dryer a little too long and is frayed at the edged. I feel like I’ve been bounced back and forth and up and down and all around. i don’t feel normal, i don’t feel secure, i don’t feel sound or safe or ready to face anything. I hate school and God tells me it’s because I’m too smart for the school system. Even when I tell people that, and it’s the truth and I’m not trying to be arrogant, I’m just honest– I can’t even be honest about school because who wants to hear, especially my peers, that school and the sae exact program and classes are too damn easy for leila while they are busting their ass to pass. The classes here are so damn easy that I roll my eyes cuz I can’t stand learning what they teach. Yes I’m getting a LOT out of school because I listen, am challenged, and then I come to my own conclusion but geez louisez… it’s too damn easy. But I can’t tell anyone that. NO ONE!! and when i do tell them that, how the fuck are they supposed to respond. They can’t say, “Oh I agree” … and i sound like a freaken prick. I sound like i’m too good… no, that’s not why I say it. I say i’m too smart and school is too easy because I’m frustrated and, quite frankly, damn SURPRISED that I’m “too smart.” I still tell God that i don’t believe him, that I’m not too smart. but actually I am and it makes school that much harder to be a part of. But then I’m suppoed to be in school, for two more years exactly, to deal with this shit. I didn’t realize it was this bad.
I heard God tell me, “Come talk to me” when I was forcing myself to eat. Imagine that… someone forcing themself to eat food that they don’t want. I think to myself while forcing the food down, “I don’t want to be fat.” And then I shut down all emotion and I eat. Maybe that’s why i eat. To shut down.
God I’m really really really sad. So I think I’m gonna stop talking to the internet world and instead I’m gonna talk to you.
Oh and people keep telling me that it’s a “gift” that I can hear God so well. I’m happy that I can hear God so well. I thought everyone was like that. I wish everyone was… And i asked God about it. God said that if we seek Him we will find him. I guess I’ve been seeking very much. It’s because I’m desperate. Oh look at leila, she’s holy….. uh, NO. I’m desperate and I NEED GOD because I will die without Him. I WILL… i know I will. and i don’t want to exist unless it’s in His presense. I know what darkness is like and I want nothing to do with it. I’m OVER darkness. I want the light.. So I SEEK the light and I FIND the light and there Christ is and there he speaks.
I cry.
THERE ARE SO MANY CHANGES GOING ON!!! The changes are from people coming into my life, destroying the defense mechanism I had up for all my life, to new congregations that God wants me to be a part of in order to heal and grow and be loved. I’m supposed to let them in too! I’m supposed to be vulnerable and open and to let people in to love me and i’m QUITE disturbed about the whole damn thing!!! On top of that I have this girl that God wants in my life and not just any girl but a girl who is supposed to love me and be my “best friend” who will help me heal. I don’t know this chick!!! I’m not just gonna let her in but everytime I say that God keeps telling me, “let her in, let her in.” Damn broken record!! And then God wants me to grow where I’m planted, become friends with everyone to enjoy myself. AND school is too easy for me so I don’t try and then I end up getting fuckin C-’s !!!! Is that failing in grad school!!!?!?!?! I don’t know. I’m upset. Then on top of that I’m just worried about opening myself up to all these people when I don’t konw how, honestly, i don’t want to and in general I’m fucking sick and tired of people trying to come into my protective barrier!!! God told me that my way of dealing with things is out dated and needs to become obsolete since a NEWER and better thing is coming in. But that bothers me as well because I’m not good with NEW things and change. God really laid it out for me and told it like it was… no holds back for God. He told me about my pride, my stubborness, my ways of sabotaging my life, how i don’t want to let people in, how I never want my past to repeat itself and by choosing to push my past away and not do it God’s way, I’m actually pushing myself towards the abusive dysfuntional past that I don’t want in the first place. God told me to be here for 2 more fuckin years and I don’t want to!! I don’t want to be here, letting people in. I am VERY uncomfortable with how God is showing me my life is unfolding and yet I know He’s right! But that doesn’t mean I can’t be extremely uncomfortable and stubborn and bothered!!! I don’t like it!! I don’t like it at all!! This is so difficult for me, to go from a person who never let anyone in, to being a person God is calling to let people in in order to receive the healing I need. I HATE THIS!!! FUCK!!!! I don’t want to!!!! I feel the fear and the anxiety and the worry. I just want to do things my way, where I’m in control. But instead i’m doing it GOd’s way, i’m so OUT of control and i don’t like that either and… just in general, life is going to get better but I’m freaking out anyway. So THAT is why I’m irritated. God… you sneaky God… YOU BOTHER ME GOD!!! aAND I DON’T LIKE YOUR NEW LIFE FOR ME!!! IT BOTHERS ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
