don’t you hate it when you hate yourself? I do… and I think there are more than ONE contributing factor to why I hate myself right now. I asked God about it and God said, Don’t be hard on yourself. But just my luck, i’m hard on myself.

So here it is, I hate myself right now because I know that I’ve contributed to someone else’s pain. That sounds so damn holy now doesn’t it?? Well it’s not. I feel badly because I know that I hurt my mom and dad and sister. I know that I’m a contributing factor in the abuse situation I grew up in. KNOWING THAT SUCKS. KNOWING that is what makes it difficult to face yourself. The regret, the pain, the turmoil within. I just wish sometimes that I were perfect because if I were perfect than I wouldn’t have to deal with my mistakes! I could be perfect and not mess up and not fuck everyone else up around me! I keep hearing God say, “Be nice to yourself, be nice, be nice. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” It’s funny because God wants me to forgive others and just let them go but for myself, I’m not willing to forgive me because I feel like I need to PAY for the crap that I’ve done. I don’t think it’s in my nature to forgive… it’s not.. it really isn’t. It’s through the grace of God that i know how to forgive, because of the cross….

I feel like shit because I know that who I am is a result of my past. Oh God, I’ve tried so hard to become a different person. I felt like I was so damn determined to change and to fight the good fight. God just said, “You are fighting the good fight.” But Lord, I feel so discouraged when I see myself fall back into old ways. I get so discouraged knowing that I have messed up myself and others. This burden is HUGE on my heart. Not only that but.. i worry about my future– will I fuck them up too? Will the people I intereact with, am i fucking them over? am I being a “good christian” OH PLEASE!!! Being a “good christian” doesn’t mean jack!! A person has to follow the heart of Christ, not do and be as a “CHRISTIAN IS SUPPOSED TO.” PLEASE…. I just don’t know what to think of myself anymore. i don’t know what to do with myself either….. I just worry. God I’m worried!!

And then on top of that, I had my camera out today and was taking pictures of my best friends who stopped by today. One of my friends was taking pictures of me (we traded off the camera) and I saw how I looked. I WAS HORRIFIED by the rolls on my body, the thick legs, the skinny ankles, the wide chin that is slowly looking like a double chin. I don’t know what it is.. .maybe i just HATE MYSELF therefore when i look at myself in a picture, I HATE HOW I LOOK. I hate my picture being taken. GOD I HATE MYSELF!! AND I HATE MY PICTURE!! AND I HATE HOW I LOOK!!! AND I HATE MY FAT!!!

I feel like i fight and fight and fight and to no fuckin avail. But I don’t think that’s true. AT ALL. I KNOW that there are results and that the more I press on the better things are getting. BUt fucken-a i get so bothered and sad and arghed that things are falling into place. Shit, how fucking long have I been working on “healing” myself and my past and yet, I get nicked in the ass every so often with WHO I WAS, WHO I STILL AM, and there is a reality there that sits in front of my face saying, “THIS IS WHO YOU ARE.” Yes I know that who I am in Christ is changing and I have been crucified with Christ and that I’m a new creation. But sometimes, just sometimes, I don’t feel like a new creation. Then again, I don’t think I need to “FEEL” anything… I just need to believe. BUT FUCKEN-A it’s not just about “oh, i believe…” that crap gets old after awhile… I just want to be this way sometimes and come to God like this…

So what am I tired of? I’m fucken tired of myself. I’m tired of my past. I’m tired of it sticking it’s fucken head around the corner at me, telling me that it’s still there. I’m fucken tired of it…

Oh WAIT… God told me last night that I need to forgive… forgivness was going to be the RELEASE of my past… So I need to forgive myself as well. I CHOOSE to forgive myself because it’s not worth holding on to… even tho it PISSES ME OFF COMPLETELY!!!!

I really don’t want to carry the past into my future… piss me the fuck off… I don’t want to do it!!! God don’t let me be a screw up in my future… I don’t want the past to haunt me.. and I don’t think it will. Not when I’m in Christ…

okay, well my chest is still heavy as in I’m still having a difficult time breathing as in I’m still carrying around this burden… fuck.

AND I’M FUCKING FAT!!!! THERE IS NO GOING AROUND IT, I’M A FAT ASS!!! It’s not fair, i’m fat as fuck.. okay i’m not entirely obese and horrible but when I see pictures, it’s just the reality of what I look like so FUCK IT.. that’s me… SHIT. and I feel like I’ve been eating better and exercising a LOT… so fucken shit… I guess the fat suit hasn’t come off yet.. God says it takes time. I’m hard on myself.

God I’m just SAD. I’m sad to know that my past is still here and it still lurks it head in my life. I want to DESTROY it and yet I don’t think that’s reality. I think I will always deal with SOME part of it… always.. FUCK.