THERE ARE SO MANY CHANGES GOING ON!!! The changes are from people coming into my life, destroying the defense mechanism I had up for all my life, to new congregations that God wants me to be a part of in order to heal and grow and be loved. I’m supposed to let them in too! I’m supposed to be vulnerable and open and to let people in to love me and i’m QUITE disturbed about the whole damn thing!!! On top of that I have this girl that God wants in my life and not just any girl but a girl who is supposed to love me and be my “best friend” who will help me heal. I don’t know this chick!!! I’m not just gonna let her in but everytime I say that God keeps telling me, “let her in, let her in.” Damn broken record!! And then God wants me to grow where I’m planted, become friends with everyone to enjoy myself. AND school is too easy for me so I don’t try and then I end up getting fuckin C-’s !!!! Is that failing in grad school!!!?!?!?! I don’t know. I’m upset. Then on top of that I’m just worried about opening myself up to all these people when I don’t konw how, honestly, i don’t want to and in general I’m fucking sick and tired of people trying to come into my protective barrier!!! God told me that my way of dealing with things is out dated and needs to become obsolete since a NEWER and better thing is coming in. But that bothers me as well because I’m not good with NEW things and change. God really laid it out for me and told it like it was… no holds back for God. He told me about my pride, my stubborness, my ways of sabotaging my life, how i don’t want to let people in, how I never want my past to repeat itself and by choosing to push my past away and not do it God’s way, I’m actually pushing myself towards the abusive dysfuntional past that I don’t want in the first place. God told me to be here for 2 more fuckin years and I don’t want to!! I don’t want to be here, letting people in. I am VERY uncomfortable with how God is showing me my life is unfolding and yet I know He’s right! But that doesn’t mean I can’t be extremely uncomfortable and stubborn and bothered!!! I don’t like it!! I don’t like it at all!! This is so difficult for me, to go from a person who never let anyone in, to being a person God is calling to let people in in order to receive the healing I need. I HATE THIS!!! FUCK!!!! I don’t want to!!!! I feel the fear and the anxiety and the worry. I just want to do things my way, where I’m in control. But instead i’m doing it GOd’s way, i’m so OUT of control and i don’t like that either and… just in general, life is going to get better but I’m freaking out anyway. So THAT is why I’m irritated. God… you sneaky God… YOU BOTHER ME GOD!!! aAND I DON’T LIKE YOUR NEW LIFE FOR ME!!! IT BOTHERS ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!